What the Hell?

The stop and go lights represent the stop and go life of living with PTSD. Some people don't even know what it is. Are you kidding me? It has been my life for the past 39 years. It wasn't pleasant or nice...there were times of fun and attempts at normalcy. The prevalence of the dark clouds...always brewing, always waiting and always presenting themselves for the ruination of any event or just daily life.

My DH (Dear Hubby) combat veteran of the Vietnam war was a sampling of the life I knew others must be living too, but to find them was next to impossible. I asked my high school children: "Don't any of the people your age have fathers with these issues?" Either no one was talking about it or divorce and suicide had kept the children from ever knowing how brutal the issues for a combat veteran are. I can barely find anyone, now, who wants to talk or hear about it. It is old news and yet, for me...it is everyday life. I don't think a day goes by that the connection is not made to Vietnam. He is reminded by almost everything. That is how he relates. He is getting better and his focus is not so negative. He always says he would do it again "in a heartbeat". But I, the wife, think I would not. Recently I was asked (in his presence) if I would have known what I was in for would I have proceeded. I think not, but then again I was raised Catholic and my favorite people were the martyrs so it was, so it shall be. I was born for this. I felt cheated most of the time. I am way past all that.

When I was working (because he could not)as the week end approached...people were so glad it was Friday. TGIF, that was the whole idea for working people. They would say, "Have a nice week-end!" I don't think so. They would plan their vacations and say , "Where are you going for your vacation?' I never told anyone that I was going to Hell for my vacation. I never told anyone that every holiday was ruined, every week-end was war. I took small times off to use the required vacation days, but it was not relaxing or fun...it was usually to move in or out (in the early years) or to duck and hide. I tried to provide some kind of life for my children, but I was alone. I was abandoned emotionally and attended most events alone. It was like being single, but not. I always had that element of time....time to go home, time to worry...times up, go back in the box.


I see, now, the richness of my virtues. I have un-ending tolerance and patience. I have empathy for those who most folks would ignore. I have so much to be thankful for. I endured pure hell, but God promised to be with me and He was. I am sure this is not what He wanted for me, but as His father allowed the suffering of mankind...so it was for me. It was not my fault...it was not his fault...it was not DH's fault. Everything just happened. My vet was drafted and for lack of formal education, was disposable. My vet was not a killer and they made him a killer. He has hated this part of himself for years. he knows it was a necessary evil, but wonders if God forgives him. He struggles to forgive himself. I think he has made great progress and is finally home. Home to his own true heart of hearts. we are relaxed now and I can trust again. I have a partner..I have a life I have never know, but always hoped for. It is my reward for seeking and knocking and screaming until I am heard. the squeaky wheel does get the oil, but it can take forever. not everyone has forever to give. I can't believe it is over. I can't remember all the evil and the Hell. I thank God for that. Sometimes I think about all the old times and wonder why I stayed. I stayed for love and it was our familial love that saved him from himself. Someone had to love this guy...his family did not understand, still doesn't to a degree...but that is okay with me. They may never understand, simply, beacuse they have not been in my shoes. So it is with human nature...we can't walk in another's shoes, but if the sorrow is enough, we can recognize it and be empathetic...knowing that each has their own pain and suffering and we are all in this together. we must bend to one another and be kind regarding our differences. I have forgiven most things and those things I have not... have not come to mind. I love this place that I am. I love who I have become. I love, I love, I love and life is good.

Oh, one more thing. yesterday would have been his home-coming of: 43 years ago. His brother in law picked him up form the airport that day. He took the day off to do so. He is held in high regard for that. Today would have been his entrance into the service. We pick up our niece, today, from the airport...yup the daughter of the man who was the one and only supporter of my vet that day. Life is ironic and wonderfully orchestrated by God Himself! we haven't been in contact with our niece for at least 8 or 9 years. God's signature is all over this day of days and I am thankful how fearfully and wonderfully made we are and how his mercy endures forever!

Neil Young - Living With War

IF TODAY YOU HEAR MY VOICE

HARDEN NOT YOUR HEARTS.

I THOUGHT IF I HAD TO LIVE ONE MORE DAY WITH PTSD...I WOULD SCREAM! I DID SCREAM...NO ONE HEARD. HE COULD OUT-SCREAM, OUT-DREAM, OUT-SCHEME! HUH, SOUNDS LIKE A GAME OF SURVIVAL TO ME. I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO OUTWIT, OUTLAST AND OUTPLAY! IT TOOK 27 YEARS....BUT I DID IT! TRULY LOVE IS BLIND. THANK GOD.. HE WAS RIGHT! A CO-WORKER ONCE TOLD ME NEVER TO PRAY FOR PATIENCE BECAUSE YOU WILL SURELY GET SOMETHING TO WAIT FOR...SHE WAS RIGHT TOO.

I WAS TOLD SO MANY TIMES, IN MY LIFE, TO LEAVE THIS MAN. IT WAS A PHENOMENALLY COMMON ANSWER FOR EVERYTHING THAT WAS WRONG IN MY LIFE, OUR LIFE. EVERYTHING THAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM. I TRIED LEAVING FOR THE FIRST 12 YEARS. HE SAID HE DID NOT KNOW WHY HE DID THE THINGS HE DID. AFTER CONSULTING WITH MY FRIEND, JESUS,I ALWAYS WENT BACK...I JUST KNEW IT WASN'T OVER. SOMETHING WAS STILL LEFT OF THE REAL MAN...DEEP INSIDE WHERE ONLY HEARTS AND SOULS CAN GO.

TODAY IS OUR 35TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. WE ARE STILL HERE, TOGETHER. GOD PROMISED HE WOULD LET NO MAN "PUT US UNDER" WHAT HE HAD BROUGHT TOGETHER. I REALIZE I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A WRITER NOT A LIVE BIG KINDA GAL. I HAD TO GATHER ALL THIS TRAGEDY TO WRITE ABOUT. IT WAS MY ONLY WAY TO BE HEARD THEN. NOW THAT WE HAVE REACHED OUR PTSD NIRVANA (HE IS ON MEDS AND HAS HAD 10 YEARS OF THERAPY)
I FEEL NOW IS TIME TO REVEAL SOMETHING ABOUT US: THE WIVES; WHAT WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH, HOW WAR WAS BROUGHT INTO OUR HOMES, HOW FEW UNDERSTOOD, AND FEWER KEPT THEIR MOUTHS SHUT.

IT WILL BE 40 YEARS FOR THIS VIETNAM VET TO HAVE COME HOME (JUST A LITTLE) AT LAST HE FEELS PROUD. HE SERVED HIS COUNTRY AS HE WAS ASKED TO DO, SO WHEN I HEAR TALK ABOUT SUPPORTING THE TROOPS I GET A LITTLE EDGY REMEMBERING ALL THE NON-SUPPORT WE BOTH EXPERIENCED.

THE PATH OF PTSD WAS LAID DOWN BY THE VIETNAM VETS, LIKE IT OR NOT, THE SUFFERING AND HOMELESS ARE YOUR WAR TORN, SHELL-SHOCKED COMBAT VETERANS. THEY DID NOT ASK TO BE THE WAY THEY ARE AND WIVES THAT SUFFER ALL THIS AND MORE NEED TO REACH OUT TO EACH OTHER.

GIVES A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO SUPPORT THE TROOPS, EH?

WE SUFFER SILENTLY WE ARE ISOLATED.

NOTHING, ADEQUATELY DESCRIBED THE FIRST 7 YEARS OF MARRIAGE...BUT I ENDED UP IN THE LIBRARY LOOKING UP SPOUSAL ABUSE ("OH, PLEASE, DON'T LET ANYONE SEE ME WITH THIS BOOK') I HAD TO FIND OUT WHAT WAS WRONG....AND SOMETHING WAS VERY WRONG INDEED.

MY SEARCH FOR THE TRUTH BROUGHT ME TO THE LIBRARY, WHERE I LOOKED UP BATTERED WIFE SYNDROME, BUT THAT DID NOT SATISFY ME. THERE WAS MORE...SO MUCH MORE..
THOUGH THE BEHAVIORAL SYMPTOMS WERE SIMILIAR, THERE WAS A PIECE MISSING...

MY EXPERIENCE WAS SO UNIQUE AND HORRIFYING THAT I JUST KNEW THERE HAD TO BE ANSWERS.
I, ACCIDENTALLY, STUMBLED ACROSS SOMETHING CALLED: PTSD. THERE IN FRONT OF ME. ON A SIMPLE WHITE PAGE. A PAGE THAT WOULD ALTER THE COURSE OF THINGS DRASTICALLY FOR BOTH MY HUSBAND AND ME. IN PERFECT BLACK AND WHITE, MY LIFE, HIS LIFE AND BOTH OUR BEHAVIORS WERE BEING DESCRIBED TO A FAULT. HAD THEY BEEN IN MY HOME? WATCHING? HELL, I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS BOOK MYSELF!
...ALL THE BEHAVIORS
...ALL THE CONSEQUENCES,
THE WHOLE MOTHER- LOAD THAT COMES WITH PTSD. AND I,LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD (1973) WAS SEARCHING FOR REASONS, PTSD... WHO KNEW?

MY BROTHER HAD GONE TO GERMANY...NO WORRIES.
THE GUY I WORKED WITH WENT TO GERMANY....NO WORRIES.

ALTHOUGH EVERY NIGHT, ON THE "HOMEFRONT" (YEAH, THEY CALLED IT THAT) OUR TELEVISIONS BROUGHT THE WAR INTO OUR HOMES. WE SAW WAR SO REAL THAT IT WAS HONESTLY DISTURBING...REAL YOUNG MEN IN HONEST-TO-GOODNESS-GUT-WRENCHING-SCARE-THE SH*T-OUT-OF-YOU-WAR....
NEVERMIND, WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO THEM. I WENT THROUGH MY ENTIRE TEEN YEARS FROM 10-18YEARS OF AGE IN THE 60'S. SO WHILE I WAS ALL ABOUT LOVE AND PEACE AND FLOWERS IN MY HAIR, HE WAS A TEEN AGER FIGHT TING FOR HIS COUNTRY AND HIS LIFE. WE DID NOT KNOW EACH OTHER BEFORE VIETNAM.

UNLIKELY AS IT SEEMS, WE MET AND FELL IN LOVE IN 1973.