What the Hell?

The stop and go lights represent the stop and go life of living with PTSD. Some people don't even know what it is. Are you kidding me? It has been my life for the past 39 years. It wasn't pleasant or nice...there were times of fun and attempts at normalcy. The prevalence of the dark clouds...always brewing, always waiting and always presenting themselves for the ruination of any event or just daily life.

My DH (Dear Hubby) combat veteran of the Vietnam war was a sampling of the life I knew others must be living too, but to find them was next to impossible. I asked my high school children: "Don't any of the people your age have fathers with these issues?" Either no one was talking about it or divorce and suicide had kept the children from ever knowing how brutal the issues for a combat veteran are. I can barely find anyone, now, who wants to talk or hear about it. It is old news and yet, for me...it is everyday life. I don't think a day goes by that the connection is not made to Vietnam. He is reminded by almost everything. That is how he relates. He is getting better and his focus is not so negative. He always says he would do it again "in a heartbeat". But I, the wife, think I would not. Recently I was asked (in his presence) if I would have known what I was in for would I have proceeded. I think not, but then again I was raised Catholic and my favorite people were the martyrs so it was, so it shall be. I was born for this. I felt cheated most of the time. I am way past all that.

When I was working (because he could not)as the week end approached...people were so glad it was Friday. TGIF, that was the whole idea for working people. They would say, "Have a nice week-end!" I don't think so. They would plan their vacations and say , "Where are you going for your vacation?' I never told anyone that I was going to Hell for my vacation. I never told anyone that every holiday was ruined, every week-end was war. I took small times off to use the required vacation days, but it was not relaxing or fun...it was usually to move in or out (in the early years) or to duck and hide. I tried to provide some kind of life for my children, but I was alone. I was abandoned emotionally and attended most events alone. It was like being single, but not. I always had that element of time....time to go home, time to worry...times up, go back in the box.


I see, now, the richness of my virtues. I have un-ending tolerance and patience. I have empathy for those who most folks would ignore. I have so much to be thankful for. I endured pure hell, but God promised to be with me and He was. I am sure this is not what He wanted for me, but as His father allowed the suffering of mankind...so it was for me. It was not my fault...it was not his fault...it was not DH's fault. Everything just happened. My vet was drafted and for lack of formal education, was disposable. My vet was not a killer and they made him a killer. He has hated this part of himself for years. he knows it was a necessary evil, but wonders if God forgives him. He struggles to forgive himself. I think he has made great progress and is finally home. Home to his own true heart of hearts. we are relaxed now and I can trust again. I have a partner..I have a life I have never know, but always hoped for. It is my reward for seeking and knocking and screaming until I am heard. the squeaky wheel does get the oil, but it can take forever. not everyone has forever to give. I can't believe it is over. I can't remember all the evil and the Hell. I thank God for that. Sometimes I think about all the old times and wonder why I stayed. I stayed for love and it was our familial love that saved him from himself. Someone had to love this guy...his family did not understand, still doesn't to a degree...but that is okay with me. They may never understand, simply, beacuse they have not been in my shoes. So it is with human nature...we can't walk in another's shoes, but if the sorrow is enough, we can recognize it and be empathetic...knowing that each has their own pain and suffering and we are all in this together. we must bend to one another and be kind regarding our differences. I have forgiven most things and those things I have not... have not come to mind. I love this place that I am. I love who I have become. I love, I love, I love and life is good.

Oh, one more thing. yesterday would have been his home-coming of: 43 years ago. His brother in law picked him up form the airport that day. He took the day off to do so. He is held in high regard for that. Today would have been his entrance into the service. We pick up our niece, today, from the airport...yup the daughter of the man who was the one and only supporter of my vet that day. Life is ironic and wonderfully orchestrated by God Himself! we haven't been in contact with our niece for at least 8 or 9 years. God's signature is all over this day of days and I am thankful how fearfully and wonderfully made we are and how his mercy endures forever!